Top Ten Reasons I Deserve A Nobel Peace Prize

10. Yesterday, I had a bacon cheeseburger and mac and cheese. Together.

9. I'm a professional cheerleader. My breasts along with a good case of beer goggles have brought harmony to the masses.

8. I have a plastic light-up donkey in my bedroom. And nothing embodies peace like a plastic light-up donkey.

7. I own an electric blanket.

6. I dream about the day that I can use my light saber for good instead of evil.

5. "The key to world peace is dreaming about healthy babies and gumdrops while pressing my Easy button."-Elle Blakemore's interview response during the presence and poise category of the Miss America Pageant.

4. I was rejected by E-Harmony.

3. I won the award for the slowest turtle in the turtles races in Mrs. VanAuken's kindergarten class of 1984.

2. I'm really white with lots of freckles that I can connect with a felt-tip pen to create make-believe constellations and I can do this all as a sufferer of scoliosis.

1. I saved a lot of money by switching to Geico.

I believe that the Norwegians on the NPP committee are high. However, they did just make the virtually unattainable dream of being considered on the same playing field as Einstein not so far-fetched. I thought the whole Al Gore incident was just a fluke because they didn't have much else to choose from that year. I am beginning to feel the woe of the British for their most commended honor when those who were once knighted for feats of bravery and nobility have been replaced by 60 year old rock stars who's biggest accomplishment was surviving a lifetime of drug abuse and wearing leather pants. That and the combination of awarding Tweedle Do-Nothing and Tweedle Plagerize the Statistical Anomaly leads to me to realize that absolutely nothing in our modern day era is sacred anymore.

7 Habits of Socially Inept People

Remember, I hate the word blog to begin with. I just read an article sent to me titled, "The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Bloggers." Really? Someone actually sat around coming up with crap like this and actually think its important? Get away from your computer and go do something daring, like..... driving with your windows down. Don't know if you're one of the socially incompetent? Here's my checklist:

*Warning! Situations and behaviors are real. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

1. You aspire to be a professional blogger.

2. Your flat butt cheeks clap when you climb stairs because you're always hanging out with your friends- over the internet.

3. You have a wiener and are inadvertently wearing women's dress shirts in public. You're wife does not notice. Boom! Window licker heaven.

4. You find it perfectly acceptable to talk about oral sex and hittin the gonja in front of your grandmother and three other people while in an enclosed vehicle.

5. You don't shave, pluck, wax or even tell your wife she has a beard/mustache/sideburns.

6. You light up a joint in a theatre with small children then double-fist choke the person next to you for giving you a flabbergasted look.

7. After flipping on the lights, you lift up your shirt to show off your bare breasts at four in the morning to a hotel room full of barely concious, heavy-eyed people and ask, "Do you think I'm growing?"