Thursday, June 3, 2010

Why every single person over 30 has herpes.

Yes I know its been a while and no, I have not contracted and spent my time nursing any std outbreaks. I've just been crack head busy and today, after finding myself hopelessly unemployed and expressing my dilemma to a close friend, I sit and ponder why she would try to render my desperation with the ever so jovial, "Well you know you wouldn't have to worry about this if you could just get your boyfriend to propose" comment. What a kick in the nuts. Now I'm jobless and a circus freak. Thanks for the grant of fortitude.

Why is it that all married people think the cure for all the maladies of the single world is to douse it in "get married gasoline" and light it up, baby? Do you really think we are that stupid? Me having to smell someone else's waft of bowel movement coming from the hall bathroom will not lessen the dissatisfaction of my GED level income. Their persistent case of anti-folding disease of the three loads of laundry rumpled on the washer will not desist the desire to slit my wrists about gaining two pounds. And chances are, I will still have to mow the lawn after he calls me his princess. Momma didn't raise no fool. Paint all the pictures you want everyone to see about how marriage solves everything and I'll show you think stink face of a woman smelling turds and a burnt match.

The way to help any singles feel better about bumps in the roads of their lives is to not treat them as if they have some tropical disease from which all humanity runs. Get real. Tell them how you hate it when his lips flap back and forth when he snores or tell them about her stained underwear floating in the sink after an unprecedented crimson tsunami crashed upon her shores. Better yet- just talk about your EXACT SAME life problems, like mortgages. But for gosh sakes- we don't have rampant herpes, invisible friends, or as Bridgette Jones puts it- scales under our clothes. Please stop treating us as so. And stop treating it as if being single is easily "fixable" because you know we've always dreamed of being proposed to while holding him at gunpoint. I love the unsolicited advice- "What are you waiting for?", "The good ones'll all be taken", or my personal favorite, "You ain't gettin' any younger" as if my only self worth and purpose on this planet is to reproduce and stretch my vagina to unrecognizable proportions. My uncle is the worst about it. He once told me, at Christmas dinner nonetheless, that my standards were too high, when truth be told, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. For my birthday, he stated that all of God's creatures were made male and female so that they could fall in love, get married and reproduce (I personally would like to see seahorse nuptials if that's the case). He followed that peculiar statement with the hope that one day, I too would be one of God's normal creatures. That, my friend, starts the spiral that alcoholism is made of.

Marriage will not "fix" singles for there is nothing to fix. My life's frustrations will still be there whether or not I "get my meat hooks in him and show him I'd be a good wife" (You'll notice that was a quote). Single status is not a disease, fixable with antibiotics or random setups with other single humans that aren't fit for jogging alone much less dating. And increased age does not constitute the last form of legal slavery. We're all getting older. So please be kind maybe even borderline sensitive to your local singles. They deserve love too.

1 comment:

  1. I am so thankful you said it like you did. Being single is not a disease and neither is being divorced. I suggest to my single clients who get feedback from friends and family to get married ask those friends and family members questions about their marriages as soon as they claim 'marriage' as the cure-all. Questions like, how is your marriage? Do you have a perfect financial picture? How is your sex life? What problems have you faced? Did you settle in any way? As soon as they start asking questions about their personal lives, something magical happens. THEY STOP asking and judging. Try this and let me know how it works for you! This post is spot on and you are correct, Marriage does not fix singles nor does it fix couples. This is why marriage gets a bad reputation. Marriage is not necessary or mandatory, it is something that is chosen when two people choose it and should be chosen for the right reasons, not just to be married or to solve issues/finances, etc. I really enjoyed reading your blog post!

    Dr. Dar
    Relationship Success Expert

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