Planes, Trains and Sociopaths

Every time I step aboard a plane (which isn’t often on my meager salary) I am captivated by the mystery of what lies ahead. Like a five year old, I stare at the engine, the wings, the rickety tray in front of me and contemplate how this is all going to work. The wings always seem too short to send this fourteen thousand pound lump of steel, plastic and human flesh hurtling through the air. I spend a lot of time on each flight going over the aerodynamics of it all just to give myself some comfort and revel in the fact that I might be smart.
What is even more mystifying is the social aspect of each flight. Hundreds of strangers sharing the same air, all destined for the same location, even if just temporarily. The flight I am on now is no different. I’m sitting here in awe and overly aware of how rude people can be in an already uncomfortable situation. Why make it harder? We all want a nice easy trip. So we stopped in Dallas on the way to Houston when a toadstool of a woman waddled at the speed of smell down the narrow aisle. The 22 people loaded up like pack mules behind her were leaving. She was just switching to a better seat. Despite the fact that half the plane was backed up behind her, she decided she needed to use the bathroom. Like a ten pound bowling ball, she started rolling back through the line of people without so much as an "excuse me" as if she were the queen of some foreign country. From what I could tell, the only thing she was queen of was high calorie food. Was the mean of me? I’m sorry.
Then there was the elderly lady getting on the plane. The short Indian man sitting next to me had taken a trip to the lavatory when she tried to sit down in his seat. Politely I said, "Ma’am, I’m sorry but I think a gentleman was sitting there." She turned at me with her cold, glassy eyes and impatiently said, "Do you think or do you know?" Taken aback, I uttered, "Pardon?" She huffed and repeated herself, pacing her words in case I was retarded, "Do-you-think-or-do-you-know?" As I felt my fangs unsheathing for the first time in my life towards a senior citizen, I turned to her and bugged my eyes like my father used to when I was in trouble as a kid. In my best southern "I’m gonna kick-your-ass- politely" tone, I replied, "Oh, I know!" I wasn't certain about the Indian guys situation but I sure as heck knew I didn’t want to sit next to what could possibly be Omarosa’s bitter and odious step-mother during my vacation voyage. However, her absolute hatefulness did completely erase the discomfort of sitting next to the largest man on the plane on the first leg of my flight.
It goes without saying that when everybody wants to get to their destination and no one wants to be hassled or bothered, don’t go bothering everyone else like you’re the only one on the planet. Especially when you are in such an enclosed place and so many people can give you a collective beat-down. It’s just not smart or safe. On that thought, I look out the window and see glimmering snow and ice careening horizontally past my window, looking eerily like a roadway at night. It soothes my anger and I set my thoughts about small minded people behind me to dream of the warmer weather that awaits me and the radiant, pure smile of two-month old baby boy that awaits me at my gate. Ahhh….. How flying should be.