I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike Bar.

It's that time of year again when we hang our heads in shame and realize that we can barely see our toes. I, myself, chose to gain five lb's over the Christmas season by overdoing the party list and consuming large amounts of cheese, wine, topped with chocolate, more cheese and more wine. I am by no means overweight, but I currently feel like a pig in a blanket when I get dressed in the morning.

I just love how it goes down every year. You go to the New Years Eve party and there's the size double-zero girl with perky, perfect C cup rack horsing down a bowl of ranch dip and a family sized bag of potato chips. Then there you are, starving next to the veggie tray, eating six whole baby carrots and dreaming of punching her in the face Fight Club style and you momentarily consider it as a rational idea until you remember that she's your friend. The next morning you hit the scale and immediately slit your wrists with your cuticle clippers because you gained a pound for each carrot and currently look four months pregnant. You plot out exactly how many hours you can reasonably go without eating before passing out or nibbling off a fingertip and fill your day planner with well-intentioned gym visits. At least, that's what I do.

I've finally gotten to the semi-levelheaded stage of getting up early to work out and have started eating healthier. I went to Wal-Mart to buy a workout DVD and was stopped for shoplifting because they thought I was walking out with a pair of basketballs shoved in my dress pants. Turns out it was just my ass. So now, Jillian Michaels is kicking those basketballs every morning as I gasp, wretch and wish to die. So far, my waistline hasn't changed much but it has successfully reduced my knockers into a pair of badminton shuttle-cocks that are very much reminiscent of my pre-adolescent years. But here's another thing about working out and eating healthy that drives me crazy- you're hungry all the damned time. I swear, I used to eat a Sonic kiddie burger and I'd be good for lunch and dinner. Now I'm eating radicchio salads with lemon juice dressing and finding that it's only true purpose is to make me more ravenous. I'm so hungry I'm chewing on straws, pens, paper clips and other various office supplies like a little crazed donkey in a lettuce patch. It makes me so agitated, my school kiddos are fantasizing of the day I give up and go into full-on binge mode just so I'll stop gnashing my teeth and stomping around like a t-Rex. They fear getting their fingers too close to me. So bottom line, I'm miserable but wistfully awaiting that magical day that I start to see some noticeable change. The day when my jeans fit more like jeans rather than leggings. The time when my stomach will have finally shrunk enough that I can blissfully enjoy only eating one cube of cheese. The moment when my skinny thighs make my shuttle-cocks look like boobs again. So raise you Nalgene's full of water and Benefiber and toast to better days! Cheers!!