Doomsday, Ladies, Doomsday

Yes ladies. Today was THAT day. I wore a skirt, cotton undies and showered twice. I know you feel my unease. I spent most of my day dreading being the starring role in the one act play known as "The Lady Hamper" going down at the Kooder Barn Theatre that afternoon. (For the ignorant and the male, that's code for taking a trip to the vagina doctor) Which is ironic being that I am going back to school to be a gyno. I guess there are some things you just never get used to.
The annual gynecologist visit is, in fact, very much like an old western starring the patient as some sort of weird, nude Annie Oakley. You even get a spotlight, just in all the wrong places. You've got the doctor wielding all sorts of weapons and some sort of thing that looks like an old metal gun. Or at least it can sure scare any woman like an old (and cold) metal gun. You even get the costume: the vest with the big skirt. I remember the good old days where you got an actual hospital gown and a freshly laundered sheet. Now they've gone all cheap and all you get is that ever awkward waxed paper vest and tarp that's made out of the same crap as that bib the dentist puts on you. That thing never stays in place and has armholes big enough to flash your milk wagons to everyone in the restaurant across the street. And no matter how little you move, it sounds like that plastic mattress pad you used to roll around on when you were a toilet training toddler. Come to think of it, dentist tools and gyno tools kinda look the same....yikes.
Anyway, just like any western movie, it has its usual western plot line. Annie came to town to make sure it was still safe. She was grappled and wounded by Gyno the Kid and her sidekick Chastity (except today I think her name was Vicki). And despite her wounded pride and slightly bruised dignity, our heroine held her head high and managed to remain victorious with her daring feats and acts of bravery.... by getting a pap smear so her insurance company would reward her with a check for taking preventative measures against her uterus falling apart. The End!