Man, I Feel Like a Woman

So in my Lifegroup, we were discussing why it is so hard being a woman while breaking open the word of Esther. Back up, let me explain what a Lifegroup is because to an outsider, it kinda sounds like group therapy at a halfway house. I go to Lifechurch.tv. We don't have Sunday school; we have Lifegroups. These are people we do life with and explore who we are in God and what we can do to be more like Christ to ourselves and the world. I am very different spiritually than most people, including those in my group. But that's a whole 'nother loaf of bread.

SO... why its hard to be a woman. I feel like guys need the full on interpretation. No holds bar. Why do they need an interpretation? Because I need an interpretation. That's part of why its so hard to be a woman.

So where to begin, because its a never ending cycle. Hmmmm...... Guess I'll go with what I know. I am crazy when I ovulate (my boyfriend hates that word just like you're hating it right now). When I say crazy, I'm talking I need the halfway house. The problem with ALL of the things Mutha Nature gives us to deal with is this- there are two people in one body. I'm not joking. Call in Billy Graham because I could use an exorcism. Whether you're ovulating or PMS-ing, there are two people shoved in here (can I get an Amen?). The normal, nice, sane, bubbly you is in there smushed somewhere deep down beneath the crack of the psycho sumo wrestler that has taken over. It literally feels like a sumo wrestler because you feel heavy and thick, she doesn't fit in here, and she just feels sick nasty. You may have on your favorite shirt, make-up, hair did, but you feel like a slippery dirty pig shoved in a pair of Express trousers. And that's just the physical part. Inside, you know you're being somewhat nuts, but psycho Sake sumo wrestler (who I like to call Sake because she seems to embody the personality of a someone who has had FAR too much to sake to drink and we all know sake makes people crazy.) keeps stomping around like godzilla and you don't know quite how to reign her in. While she's eating her fifth maple glazed krispy kreme, you're in there wondering just what the crap is going on and why can't you get back to the real world. Sake Sumo also controls part of your brain as well. She takes in plain, basic information, then spits out vile, putrid irrational responses as if the world is caving in. The drama even wears us out. You're sitting and watching a Vagisil commercial and next thing you know you're crying your eyes out because you your mom wouldn't buy you some Gitano jeans once the fourth grade and she OBVIOUSLY doesn't love you.

Trust me, we honestly don't love it anymore than you do. The second that Sake is gone, we have to be on clean-up duty. We are basically put on probation by all those we encountered during her hostile take-over as to whether or not they still even want to know us and you have to put together the pieces as to what really happened and what was just made up in her/your mind. It sucks.

So anyway...When we're going through this crap, hormones escalate and drop like they are on the Superman at Six Flags. Right now, I'm riding the estrogen fighter plane and someone else is piloting. And playing Viva Las Vegas really loudly. It just keeps climbing higher and spinning and I'm in the cockpit feeling nauseated and confused and very out of control. Seriously. It's miserable.

So. That's one very good reason why its hard to be a woman. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. Tip of the day: Gentlemen, don't ask her "What's wrong?" and don't dare say "Are you PMS-ing?" because she doesn't even know for sure herself and its kinda like waking up a sleep walker. So if she's acting like something out of Stephen King flick, fight for her. She's smothered under the big flabby butt cheeks of someone who is not welcome and she can't get out. Here's how: give her a really big hug, kiss her on the forehead, tell her she looks beautiful that day, and watch her transform before your very eyes. You will instantly become her ninja David Copperfield. It's really like giving Sake Sumo a great big kick in the taco.