Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Top Ten Reasons I Deserve A Nobel Peace Prize

10. Yesterday, I had a bacon cheeseburger and mac and cheese. Together.

9. I'm a professional cheerleader. My breasts along with a good case of beer goggles have brought harmony to the masses.

8. I have a plastic light-up donkey in my bedroom. And nothing embodies peace like a plastic light-up donkey.

7. I own an electric blanket.

6. I dream about the day that I can use my light saber for good instead of evil.

5. "The key to world peace is dreaming about healthy babies and gumdrops while pressing my Easy button."-Elle Blakemore's interview response during the presence and poise category of the Miss America Pageant.

4. I was rejected by E-Harmony.

3. I won the award for the slowest turtle in the turtles races in Mrs. VanAuken's kindergarten class of 1984.

2. I'm really white with lots of freckles that I can connect with a felt-tip pen to create make-believe constellations and I can do this all as a sufferer of scoliosis.

1. I saved a lot of money by switching to Geico.

I believe that the Norwegians on the NPP committee are high. However, they did just make the virtually unattainable dream of being considered on the same playing field as Einstein not so far-fetched. I thought the whole Al Gore incident was just a fluke because they didn't have much else to choose from that year. I am beginning to feel the woe of the British for their most commended honor when those who were once knighted for feats of bravery and nobility have been replaced by 60 year old rock stars who's biggest accomplishment was surviving a lifetime of drug abuse and wearing leather pants. That and the combination of awarding Tweedle Do-Nothing and Tweedle Plagerize the Statistical Anomaly leads to me to realize that absolutely nothing in our modern day era is sacred anymore.

1 comment:

  1. Funny stuff!

    That E-Harmony thing bother you? You should feel proud that you aren't categorized quite the same as the rest of the sheep.

    I think I told them exactly what they wanted to hear in order to get me a girl who was rich, young, hot, successful and a mastermind of an underground spy organization. Oh and she had to like techno. It didn't work, probably because of the techno thing...

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